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Sunday, September 30, 2012; 11:52 pm.

I hope you know:

When I look in your eyes, I see myself. There is so much of you that is me. I don't have to ask because I know the answer. Yet, I can ask, and you will answer. The answer is always the same as the answer I knew you'd give. We both understand that we are only human, and to err is human, and to be human is to err. So we constantly forget who we are dealing with because it is so rare to find the true other half of yourself. To find someone who can see into my heart and know what is there without question. And when in doubt will question without assumption, who will listen without judgment.

Every day I love you more, every day I am more comfortable with you, every day you show me that you will always be here for me. I am so thankful to finally have you in my life. I have been waiting for you for so long.

~ ~ ~ ~

Monday, October 1, 2012; 2:45 pm.

“Aww, thanks honey, you know I feel the same. I truly, for the first time in my life, feel like everything is all right. I feel that there is nothing outside of uncontrollable catastrophe that can prevent me from becoming the man that I have always wanted to be. I have you to thank for that. Your love and acceptance has been the greatest gift I've been given since my daughter's birth. You've given me the hope and desire I need to achieve my life's ambitions. Because of you, the depression I have struggled with for so long has evaporated into a foggy memory; that feeling which had become so all encompassing and seemingly endless. I can't adequately describe in words, or even begin to thank you enough for the way that you've cured me of that terrible disease. So long as you are with me, that feeling will never return. I am so thoroughly convinced of this that I cannot even entertain the idea of ever feeling that way again. In all sincerity life is good. I love you :)”

~ ~ ~ ~

He never wanted me to kiss him. I can see that now. He wanted me to believe in his undying love and then he told me not to trust myself. He showed up at my door with seventeen beat-up, overstuffed suitcases full of his misery and regrets and unfulfilled ambitions. He convinced me of his hopes and dreams and that if only he was given the chance, he would pursue them. He read me like the open book that I am, and he knew that I would take on the fix up project that he calls his life. He pulled away from my kiss that night and then said, “Wait, I like it,” just as he would pull away from my future affections all the while saying how much he loved me.

~ ~ ~ ~

“On a side note, and please hear me out and don’t be mad. I’m so afraid to ask you. And the previously attached note is not a preamble to this or some sick scheme to get in your favor. I would really feel better if I had another half. It’s not overdoing it I don’t think and will not detract from my original plan. I know there will be other times, but at least I will have a week of being on 4mg to level me out. I don’t want you to think this is some kind of plea from a mad junkie. It’s truly not like that. I just know it will cessate this fucking anxiety. I can probably get another half from my sister or my mom so that I don’t come up short by Monday. Another day of building it up in my system will do more good than harm. :( I feel like the world’s biggest loser asking. So shameful what I have done to myself and I know you may not trust me anymore. If you do give me another half then this will be the last time. I swear on my life and hope for an afterlife. Is this something all junkies say? God, I hope not. :( I’m scared of you being disappointed in me and hearing the shame in your voice and seeing it in your eyes.”

~ ~ ~ ~

He never loved me. He loved his drug and he would say anything and he would do anything to play on my emotions, and keep me in the role of enabler. That’s all I ever was to him, someone to aid in his addiction, someone to make his life look normal for him while he coasted along, sometimes sinking, but never really swimming. It was all too easy: he was too smart for his own good, and he used it to manipulate me and everyone else and he knew exactly what to say to keep me right where he wanted me. He gave me just enough of his attention and false affection. The bones that he would throw would keep me chewing for weeks and just when they were worn down to nearly nothing and I was desperate for his love and questioning its validity to the point of madness, he’d say, “Just trust me,” and kiss my forehead and tell me again how he’d always love me and we would get through anything as long as we stuck together.

~ ~ ~ ~

“Babe,

I just wanted to say that I love you. Each week that passes I come to love you all the more. So when you ask if I still love you or if I’m beginning to love you less -- just know that my affection for you grows. You are the best partner I’ve ever had, or ever will. I need you because you make life, and all of its hardships, more bearable. I want to share the years with you and overcome each adversity so that you might come to believe that this bond we share is true and unwavering.

On an aside, I will probably ask for a couple more mg’s. 2 more should be good. I can take 4 mon and 4 tues, or 3,3,3. Regardless I’m gonna have to tough it out on less than 4 for a couple days. I might as well have an OK day than 3 rough ones.”

~ ~ ~ ~

He would claw out my darkest fears from the depths of my soul with his actions, then quell them with with his soothing words, over and over, endlessly, knowing that if he could keep me in this perpetual state of fear and uncertainty,  I would continue to seek his comfort, and all of his pretty words would keep me hanging on, keep me believing, leaving only just the smallest shred of doubt: if I lost him, so would I lose my own peace of mind, because who then would calm my anxious heart?

~ ~ ~ ~

Letters I Never Sent Part One

You're in withdrawal and I know I can't take it personally, but it still hurts. I asked if there was anything you need or want, and you just say "nothing that you have". Like I have nothing to offer you. It makes me feel so worthless. I know it's the withdrawal talking and you're not yourself, but these are still the things you say and do, regardless.

The other day you told me that there is no possible way to have understanding between two people. No two experiences are the same, I get that. But empathy and finding understanding are vital. It’s such a basic human need, to be understood by another. You seem determined to be closed off, and you are ruining the possibility of bonding over common experiences by viewing it that way. It just creates more unnecessary distance.

I know that there is a good, strong man inside there somewhere, and he wants out. No one wants this kind of life that you have right now. There is a better future waiting for you, if you choose to follow the right path. You know this isn't the right path. That's why you have this incredible sense of guilt and shame about all of it, because you know the truth, way deep down inside. But the need to use still outweighs that guilt, the fear outweighs the shame. But the only thing to fear is remaining an addict and losing control of your life, your relationships and family. Getting clean is the first step toward achieving true happiness. You won't find it where you're at now. You know all this, you are extremely intelligent, but drugs turn off your brain and all you know is need. But you don't need it. You don't need it. You don't need it. No one needs it. Not you. Not me. Not our children. We all need you, healthy and functioning, every single day. Not maybe half the time, if that. Maybe a quarter of the time. You have slept at least sixteen hours each day this week, since Tuesday. I'm sure you will sleep until your sister arrives after her appointment. You've been asleep all day long, and you've been in bed all week. You have only gotten up a handful of times to get food and come right back up to bed. You are merely existing. I want more for you, and I want more for me.

~ ~ ~ ~

I was so blinded by his fabricated declaration of unending, unconditional love that I couldn’t see that it was his chaotic black hole sucking me in and creating the perpetual anxiety that I believed only he could calm. He brought his storm pouring down, handed me a beautiful broken umbrella, and ran away when I couldn't keep him dry.

~ ~ ~ ~

Letters I Never Sent Part Two

I’m feeling so very vulnerable. I wanted nothing more than to be strong for you and all that you are going through, and everything that you have to deal with. I wanted to be the one you could rely on and feel safe with. I’m not perfect. I have these flaws, and a very deep shame about them. I have been abandoned by many people. I have not had one single person yet prove to me that I could trust them implicitly. I have had no one lay a gentle hand on me and stand beside me and believe in me and love me. No one has made me believe that I am lovable, that I deserve love, that I am not in fact completely insane. I truly believe you love me. But the people I have trusted in the past have abandoned me. They've hurt me and betrayed me and abused me and traumatized me. I am still so afraid. I’m feeling very exposed and it scares the shit out of me. But I do trust you. I don’t think you are the kind of person who is going to hurt me. Please, I am begging you. Please be gentle with me. Please be sensitive and understanding to my needs. Please just be the one to show me that not everyone is going to hurt me. I need someone to prove that it is okay to trust. Just please love me, please don't give up on me. I can't stand the thought of losing you and this family that we have only just begun creating.

~ ~ ~ ~

No sooner than I had allowed myself to believe that he would love me forever, that he would stay with me always- just as he’d been trying to convince me since the moment he came- I finally believed it and then he took it all away. Did he really take it away though? Can you take something away that you had never given in the first place?

~ ~ ~ ~

In His Words

“It sounds like you love all the way. You are extremely loyal and love is more important to you than it is most people. You gave him plenty of chances but he simply wouldn't follow through. Whether he didn't love himself enough, or you, I don't know. It was a lesson, that you cannot help someone who does not want it. This is just my opinion, but when you are dealing with true, actual love, you do whatever it takes. His mental health was never in a place for you guys to go anywhere. If he knew what was wrong with him, but persisted in the exact same behaviors that not only brought you down, but himself, that just doesn't sound like love to me.”